Those deep ocean eyes tell me a story,
one that stalls behind gritted teeth.
I care not a fuck about spoken words,
let them crash amidst tangled feet.
I find comfort in the shared silence,
please tell me things without speaking.
We’ll become observant mother fuckers,
here’s to heart valves that start leaking.
Let’s prepare to get lost in the nothing,
we can find the light left in the dark.
It’s survival among the bitter and broken,
we’ll ignite to make this kindling spark.
If you ask me what my biggest fear is, I would tell you without hesitation, that it would be to live an unfulfilled life. But my second biggest fear is living a lie. Some of us build and shape our lives and our relationships from a foundation of fiction. Forged selves. Distorted histories. Fabrications we tell other people, but mostly, ourselves. Lies are often times born from fear. The majority of people lie from the fear that truth brings. Funny though, I am more afraid of deception than I am of your truth.
What most people don’t realize, is that there is a freedom in truth if we choose to acknowledge it, if we choose to embrace it. They say wear your truth like a badge of honor, let it build a coat of arms around you so that no one can hurt you. But I see a problem with that. The armor, so carefully crafted, so meticulously designed, so custom fitted, it becomes an extension of ourselves and creates a barrier. It means no one can hurt us. But it also means no one can see what’s underneath.
So I have a proposition for you, an alternative let’s say, to what we’ve been taught. My method is to stir it up. Stir up your truth like a sand storm and walk straight towards the eye. Choke on it. Let your lungs fill with its grit. Be blind to everything else, other than the truth that surrounds you.
Let it strip you of your armor as it buries all the excuses, all the justifications, all the every-which-ways you want to believe other than what your truth really is. Let it tear the mask from your face. Let it exfoliate your soul. Allow it to be so abrasive that it wears away all of the rust that has built upon your heart from every year of the life you have lived up until this very day. You will walk out of this truth storm with a raw essence of self you have never known before.
And after your truth has done all these things…
let it settle.
Let it settle deep within you like sand at the bottom of the sea.
And there it will stay.
There will still be times in your life where the truth stirs up. Where someone will dive in and start mucking around looking for your shipwrecks, for your buried treasure, for your skeletons. Some seek your history because they value it, others come looking to pillage through it and leave if they don’t like what they find. You don’t want people exploring the depths of you. But you can handle this, all of this. I promise. If only because you have already stirred up your truth for yourself. You know every last single thing that lives down there and you’ve made peace with it.
It doesn’t matter how much lies there.
At surface level, your waters are still.
In the shallows, you float.
In the depths, you still rise to the surface.
All the weight that once drown you has been spread evenly across your ocean bed.
You now swim with grace.
Most of all,
So I’m asking you to go to war with yourself. To ride into battle against what might be your worst enemy: your own reflection. Take out every single weapon in your arsenal and get ready for the fight of your life. And do it all, barebacked, without armor, stripped down to the bare bones of yourself. You will be bruised, bloodied, and beaten. But it’s better than the death you live while you’re still breathing. Because that’s what you’re doing. Slowly killing yourself every day running from the truth and tripping on the lies you leave scattered around to keep it away from other people and from yourself.
You have to accept what you are, who you are, and what you were in order to become who you want to be. You have to accept what you’ve already done and what you might not have done in order to move on to what you will do.
Acceptance is the key.
You must love yourself.
All of you.
The good and the bad,
the dark and the light,
the downright beautiful and the fucking hideous.
Honesty and truth mean more than you can ever imagine. Giving yourself the gift of truth is freedom. Giving the gift of truth to others is freedom. Allowing others to care about your true self, is freedom. Maybe you can’t accept everything. But the beauty of it is.. you don’t have to. There are other people who will. People who see things differently and love things you never will. Or they might just show you how.
One of my favorite quotes is this:
Tell me all the things you don’t love about yourself so I know where to start.
You need to know all of the things you don’t love about yourself. It’s okay to recognize them. It’s okay that they are out there in the great wide open and it’s okay to allow yourself to be present with them and for others to be present with them. They shouldn’t be ignored. They are still a part of you. Big or small. But remember, let them settle. Because when the dust clears, you’ll know those people there in your life, the ones that are treading in your waters… chose your ocean on purpose. And they would love nothing more than to dive in the deep end.
you’ll float on,
with your truth settled softly…
below the surface.
a magnet for the emotionless
the ghosts, they floated
faded and fucked up
to a full heart, bloated
poltergeists take up space
never permanent, only drifting
paranormal self destroyers
carry the weight, heavy lifting
curse of the apparition
prepare for the exorcism
expel the heart haunter
emerge from the cataclysm
It is sick and twisted,
a gnarled tree that feeds from poisonous soil.
It blooms sweet flowers,
a magnificent deception that lures in the innocent.
The antithesis of a giver,
it sucks the oxygen straight from the lungs.
Thorns embellish its branches,
curved like snake fangs slicing into the flesh.
Colossal leaves conceal the eyes,
blinding the chosen ones to its cunningness.
A labyrinth of mangled roots,
trip the unsuspecting into perilous bliss.
The sinful sap it harvests,
entraps the soul and encases the heart.
Its bark impervious to sunlight,
life generates from darkness harbored within.
She sought refuge underneath its welcoming foliage,
heedless of danger, nestled amongst the blossomed façade.
She watered its thirsty soul, nourished its ravenous mind,
pulled the weeds that burrowed deep into the heart of it.
Truth gave way when the mendacious leaves withered in wintertime,
revealing the repugnant nature of the tree and its cruel intentions.
The tree stood defiant, ignorant to the power of the cloaked woman in red.
Fire blazed within the palm of her hands, bloody from harvesting the lies.
She set fire to the poisonwood and it burned mercilessly from within.
Its ashes scattering with the warm summer breeze and it was no more.
“Threefold the weight of deeds done shall it be returned unto thee,”
and carry with her she will, the ashes of the forgotten tree.
A black veil of lies masks the true form beneath
He longs for the angelic soul – too far out of reach
She is the chosen one – cuts straight through the deceit
Lucifer, it’s time to reveal your horned head and hoofed feet
Lustful whispers escape the mouth of the beast
Hunting down the flesh, he is commanded to feast
But you can’t dance with the devil without getting burned
Another piece of her heart charred black with each turn
Her red gown it twirls – up in flames – he spins her round
He fucks with the head and the heart never making a sound
Each time she lets go, he buries his claws in deeper
For his own selfish pleasure, he desires to keep her
Demon, don’t you know? Your darkness is starting to show
A razor blade tongue spews forth hellish lies – no surprise
Something cold and ugly lies in wait – he knows there’s no escape
His insidious evil she has now overcome
It’s time to run Lucifer
what courses through the veins now is dark and cold
love is meant to keep you warm or so I’ve been told
valves clog with heartbreak that impedes the flow
love wilts in poisoned blood with no room to grow
offer a piece of it and they make sure to bleed you dry
love is meant to be the answer so it doesn’t understand why
a kamikaze organ that burns in the rubble of the lies
love has had its fill of rabid beasts in sheep’s disguise
inside this ribbed cage lies the vessel of a savage
love turned impenetrable – a fortress impossible to ravage
she is still breathing but this heart is no longer beating
love should live here now but it’s time spent was fleeting
I followed your trail – to hunt you down – for as long as I could.
I no longer remember the scent of your fur or the taste of you.
I felt happiness when my head nuzzled in the crook of your neck.
I felt safe when your paws swallowed mine as they intertwined.
These were stolen moments spent peacefully in the warmest den.
Fearless moments – where we uncovered the true animals within.
But the morning sun would shine and shed light on your darkness.
It burned away the truth – words reduced to ashes in your mouth.
Howls sung in the night couldn’t pierce the silence of our days.
Instinct commanded you to protect yourself – the man-made image.
There is only ever fight or flight and you chose to flee – far and fast.
Deafening was the sound of your paws crunching through the snow.
Frozen was the blood inside my savage heart from the ice in yours.
Angry eyes burning – I turned to match stride – in opposite direction.
Two lone wolves: a story of the alpha and omega – beginning and end.